Weekend Cat Blogging: True Kitty Confessions

Now it is time for the kitties to make thier confessions.

Not all of them were willing to confess to anything today–Jack was under the bed, camping out in his JackCave, where he wears a cape and pretends to fight crime, and Tristan was busy hiding under the other bed, where dreamed of a parade of little Siamese catamites who would cater to his every little drag-queen whim.

But, the rest of them are present and accounted for and they promised that they would each present me with at least one confession to translate and transcribe for you here.

Ozy confesses that he is too cool to look at the camera, and instead, would rather present his backside for the world to peruse. “It’s my best side, anyway,” he says with great pride. “That’s because I am careful to keep my racing stripe clipped really close there, on that right flank. That way, I look unique and trendy.” (Translation: Ozy shaves the hair on one side of his flank. Why, we don’t know, but I am sure he thinks it makes him look stylish.)

Gummitch confesses that while he loves everyone in the entire world, it is just too much trouble to purr. “I love Mommy, and Daddy, and Ozy, and the little Kitten, and Tristan and that other kitten who got bigger, what is his name, oh, right, Lennier, and Jack, even if he is twitchy and weird, and Grimmy, even if she swipes at me, and I even liked Minna even though she hated me. But no matter how much I love everybody in the entire Universe, including those tall scary people who come to eat at Mommy’s table who I run from, even though I love them, I don’t purr loud because I don’t want to bother anyone, because bothering people isn’t loving and all I want to do is love everyone.” (Translation: Gummitch’s purr motor is apparently broken. He has the softest purr of any cat I have ever known. So, even while you pet him and cuddle him and love him and give him snacks, do not be surprised if you never hear him purr, because I believe that maybe he just can’t really.)

Lennier confesses that he is dreaming of water. Lots of water. Running water. Still water. Water in bowls, water in tubs, water in showers, falling from the sky, water on the floor, and on his paws and his head.

He says, while striking an elegant pose, “I am of water, and the holy land of water, and that’s to come runs in, to be the first among the strand.”

(Translation: Lennier is a big freak who cannot wait to jump into a bathtub after it has been vacated, and who will partake of a shower with a beloved human. He will lay down in one inch of standing water and will dunk his head under a very fast running faucet. The little bugger likes water, and has no clue that cats are supposed to be averse to the stuff. This is yet one more bit of proof that he is an alien in disguise, and not really a cat at all.)

The kitten, who has finally grown into her final name (does anyone get the idea that we have a hard time giving cats names–Mei Mei is still her nickname, but Ari didn’t stick), which is Tatterdemalion, confesses to being a lesser minion of Satan.

“I am demon-spawn,” she thinks, as she plots what sort of mischief to dive into next. “It is my duty, as an imp, to execute the three “D’s:” destroy, defile and discombobulate.”

(Translation: She means what she says–while her head doesn’t spin around and she doesn’t vomit green jello, she does carry about her a whiff of brimstone and she does engage in amazing feats of levitation and deviltry which point to her rather less than savory origin.)

(Which is to say, she is a perfectly normal, active and hilarious kitten whom we adore.)

Grimalkin may look like she is hung over and strung out on catnip here, but she is really just taking a catnap.

She confesses that while she does feel very overwhelmed by her responsibilities as the eldest female cat of the household, the duties of which are onerous and difficult, she will strive to do her utmost to fulfill them with style, grace and courage.

As she accepts this mantle of mature responsibility, she says, “I just want everyone to know that I love everyone, especially my predecessor, whose soul rests in heaven now.”

(Translation: What she really means to say is, “I hated her and I am glad she is gone, even if it made Mom and Dad really sad. You see, I have made up for it with lots of extra antics, japes and larks, and I make them laugh more than they ever thought possible, so that means I am better than old whatshername who was just cranky and stuck-up.”)

11 Comments

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1. Auntie Barbara

   So many confessions, how did you do it? I dare not tell Mum all my dirty little secrets, she will probably disown me when she found out I was the kitty cat who broke her candle holder.

   Lots of love

   Boo the cat

   Comment by boo_licious — November 5, 2005 #

2. The water-lover is particularily strange! I mean that in the nicest way.

   Comment by linda — November 5, 2005 #

3. Well! I declare, “Lennier is a Kate Bush fan!” What good taste that cat has.

   Comment by Nicole — November 5, 2005 #

4. Hm… actually I seem to remember there being at least one breed of housecat that is known to love water. Russian Blue comes to mind but I don’t think that’s it… I have had two cats that liked water. One of which also had a bone missing in his chest or something, which was really rather freaky since his heart was like, not protected at all. This same cat also played fetch better than any dog I’ve owned.

   Comment by Karyl — November 5, 2005 #

5. Ah, wee Boo–I think that your Mum would be well-disposed to forgive you for the candle-holder if only you purred and curled sweetly on her lap after you confessed.

   We cat-mothers are powerless before such feline wiles, you know.

   Yes, Lennier is particularly strange, it is true–I do not take it amiss at all to hear it.

   And yes–he is a Kate Bush fan. He has wonderful taste in music and likes it when I sing to him–he also likes the soundtrack to “The Lord of the Rings.”

   Karyl–I have read that the Turkish Van, a cat from around the Lake Van region of Turkey, is fond of water and will swim willingly. Lennier, however, looks nothing like such a cat, being as he has short hair and blue eyes–

   I still think the wee beastie is an alien and that explains his antics.

   Comment by Barbara Fisher — November 5, 2005 #

6. Many moons ago I had a calico who loved water. Every time I ran the sprinkler, she and her kittens would rush out to the lawn and sit there until they were soaked…then they’d come back in the house where they knew they’d be rubbed with big fluffly towels. Hmmm. Maybe it was the towel rub they loved. Anyway, Mom would lay in a puddle on a hot day. She also brushed her teeth in the morning with me. \;+)

   Comment by beejay — November 6, 2005 #

7. I’ve known other “water cats” in the past as well, Beejay. Critter, who was a male red tabby who belonged to our next door neighbors when I was growing up, but who came to visit us all the time, loved the bathroom. He helped my Dad shave, he got in the shower with him, and would stand in the bathtub, in three inches of water while it was draining, and watch it go down the drain.

   So, I know that there are some cats out there like Lennier–but I still think he is an alien. 😉

   Just a particularly cute one.

   Comment by Barbara Fisher — November 6, 2005 #

8. Wonderful confessions.

   When I was growing up, we had a little cat named L.B. who I discovered sitting in a bucket of water up to her neck on a hot day one day. Cats are so unpredictable!

   Comment by Laurie — November 6, 2005 #

9. I have a little Siamese catamite who might fit the bill.

   Comment by momstheword — November 7, 2005 #

10. I should have left the link so you could…http://seriously-silly.blogspot.com

    Comment by momstheword — November 7, 2005 #

11. Your Libby is just the sort of catamite Tristan would love!

    Comment by Barbara Fisher — November 7, 2005 #

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